...so what? That's one stereotypical thing. And yes, I broke the my usual boundaries and decided to take up an offer to go "raving". I mean, it was either that or spend the day killing hookers or curing cancer.
Yes, raving, that thing most teenagers do when they drop acid, tell their parents to go fuck themselves, go to a club, and listen to 3 hours of music that some guy made at 3 in the morning in the Czech Republic. But hey, if Moby made a career out of it, I might as well check it out.
The day begins shortly after my last class. If I have to write up one more excel sheet on how many units of insulin to give granny, I'm going to put my head through the screen. I am an adderall/caffeine infused machine of pure energy and I'm ready to go out and make an ass out of myself. And why not? I'm young, I'm stupid, and I have prescription drugs. I am invincible!
Finally, I'm out of that hell-hole and me, the Jew, and the Black Man are on our merry way to D.C. with Howard Stern keeping us company the whole time. Man, I love that guy. You see, we were on our way to see a guy named Armin Van Buuren, and really the only time I listen to trance is when I speed in my car. So, screw it. Why not?
Fast forwarding, fast forwarding, fast forwarding....We arrive at the club and I look damn sexy. Like if Humphrey Bogart and Joe Pesci were somehow able to conceive a child and then said child got mauled by a velociraptor.
At this point, things weren't looking good. I thought I died somewhere in northern Virginia and went to hell, which looked a lot like an Express catalog. We then proceeded to be searched for weapons which involved a large black man patting down my skinny, Italian ass and confiscating the clip on my keychain. Yeah, that's a weapon if I'm MacGyver.
I walk into a huge bar (which I can't drink from) and enter a room with bass so loud, Dr. Dre would shit his pants. This is where the fun begins...
Enter the rave, through my eyes:
"Hmm, dress code? Why is that chick wearing a bra and fishnets? And where the hell did she get fishnets that big? And if I were stuck on an island, could I actually catch fish with them? I mean, how ca----oh my god, boobs..." Maybe this trip was going to be better than I thought.
I'm starting to loosen up. Yeah, I'm cool. Who's cool? I'm cool. Fucking right conscience, fucking right. Awkward dancing starts. Thinking too hard into it is always the first mistake and I'm thinking way too hard. I must look like a paraplegic trying to play soccer. Just as I lose my awkward white-boy rhythm, I see two mutants dry humping in front of me.
"Oh man! Stay out of my bubble. Stay the FUCK OUT OF MY BUBBLE!" I mentally shouted.
If these two get any closer, this might count as a threesome. Somebody was getting pregnant and it was looking like me. I make my way through the crowd. I stumble in front of a very large, very gay dude who is obviously on something. Or everything.
At that very moment, a sharp, skunk like smell hit me right in the face. Someone was smoking a joint. A very, very big joint at that. I guess I was in the right spot. Potheads usually aren't that annoying, right? Wrong.
Fast forward an hour. At this point, I'm Private Snowball in Full Metal Jacket. One more person shoves a glowstick in my face, I'm going to punt it up their ass and proceed to kick the crap out of them so they drop glowing green deuces for months. I thought it was best to find another spot. I'm a peaceful man, right?
I move back a little. Maybe the normal people are in the back. Oh, was I wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I am greeted by two of the most Asian people I have ever seen. Seriously, I might as well have been looking at two gay pandas. One seemed sober while the other....wasn't. The guy was holding on for dear life to the back of Asian #1's shirt. Asian #2 seemed to be half ass dancing to the music while staring off into the magical strobe lights. I look over at the Jew. He simply puts his arms together in the shape of an "X".
"Ecstacy? Oh man. If this dude starts humping my leg or something, I'm going to jail." Yes, I talk to myself a lot. No, I don't care; I'm a good listener.
The Asians continue to trip balls and continue to shove me in some little fairy dance/mating ritual they have going on. I decide to move before I lodge my Blackberry down Asian #2's throat. I move to the back of the room. Jew's like a kid in a candy store. Black Man, not so much. I'm in my own little world dancing like some new age Travolta. I'm minding my own business when all of a sudden, a MILF decides to post up in front of me. An epic battle of my two consciouses then occurs:
"Holy hell. That is the definition of a MILF. I should totally move my crotch up 2 inches so I can dance with her." - Stupid me.
"No dude, she probably has kids" - Smart-ish me.
"Shut the fuck up conscious, who asked you?" - Stupid me.
"Uh, you always ask me, that's how it works." - Smart-ish me.
"Yeah, but look at her. Do you really want to deny me this?" - Stupid me.
The Jew looks over. Grinning as if to say "if you dance with that cougar, I will never stop making fun of you". That's enough for me to back the hell off, even with her booty shaking advances. Sometimes, I think I deserve to have my penis removed...
I'm not sure if it was the insane amount of reefer smoke in the air or the loud, repetitive bass hypnotizing me, but I was a dancing machine. I was happier than Ellen DeGeneres in a carpet store (please, don't make me explain this joke people). My eyes stung with a mixture of sweat and melted hair product and I really didn't care. The party went on till 2:30 a.m. where I called it quits. My ass was out of there. A sane man can only take so much.
The Asians continue to trip balls and continue to shove me in some little fairy dance/mating ritual they have going on. I decide to move before I lodge my Blackberry down Asian #2's throat. I move to the back of the room. Jew's like a kid in a candy store. Black Man, not so much. I'm in my own little world dancing like some new age Travolta. I'm minding my own business when all of a sudden, a MILF decides to post up in front of me. An epic battle of my two consciouses then occurs:
"Holy hell. That is the definition of a MILF. I should totally move my crotch up 2 inches so I can dance with her." - Stupid me.
"No dude, she probably has kids" - Smart-ish me.
"Shut the fuck up conscious, who asked you?" - Stupid me.
"Uh, you always ask me, that's how it works." - Smart-ish me.
"Yeah, but look at her. Do you really want to deny me this?" - Stupid me.
The Jew looks over. Grinning as if to say "if you dance with that cougar, I will never stop making fun of you". That's enough for me to back the hell off, even with her booty shaking advances. Sometimes, I think I deserve to have my penis removed...
I'm not sure if it was the insane amount of reefer smoke in the air or the loud, repetitive bass hypnotizing me, but I was a dancing machine. I was happier than Ellen DeGeneres in a carpet store (please, don't make me explain this joke people). My eyes stung with a mixture of sweat and melted hair product and I really didn't care. The party went on till 2:30 a.m. where I called it quits. My ass was out of there. A sane man can only take so much.
Notes: 1. I should have danced with the MILF
2. Potheads are annoying
3. I'm never taking X
4. Black people hate white people who can't dance
5. I'm totally doing that again
