Need peace, love, and happiness? I have one word: bacon.

Let's face it: pigs haven't done jack shit for society. They're just lazy freeloaders with stuttering problems and an unhealthy obsession to molest Kermit the Frog. But long before Jim Henson's interspecies erotica puppet fest existed, man live amongst the many different species of pigs in perfect harmony. And then got smart and started slaughtering the whole lot of them.

Pictured above: The elusive "Guinea Pig". (I love you Artie Lange)

Yes, bacon has been around since the dawn of man. Legends say that it could very well be older than Keith Richards. Even the term "bringing home the bacon" can be traced back to 12th century England . According to the internets (which is always right), bacon was awarded to a man who impressed the church by not fucking every other, uh, "wench" the man saw. Needless to say, Tiger Woods has no bacon.

Needless to say bacon is still around and better than ever. A slew of bacon related products and uses have blown up in recent times which can answer all of life's questions. Here are bacon's answers to them.

1. Can bacon save the world?! - Abso-fucking-lutely.

"He has only forbidden to you dead animals, blood, the flesh of swine, and that which has been dedicated to other than Allah . But whoever is forced [by necessity], neither desiring [it] nor transgressing [its limit], there is no sin upon him. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful."

Pictured above: Muhammad, the Prophet.

That is the best picture I can get of the author without getting my head chopped off by some unsavory characters in Kabul. Yes, the Quran strictly prohibits the eating of pork by all Muslims. Maybe that's why they hate us so much? Instead of dropping fuel-air bombs on Baghdad, can't we just start bombing them with wholesome, delicious Applewood bacon? Who can fight when there is so much happiness in a single strip of slaughtered pig belly? Boom, done. World peace. Send my Nobel Peace Prize in the mail bitches. I'm not coming to pick it up. Next question.

2. Can bacon give me a better outlook on my life? - Yes.

America is full of drunk fatass slobs which is the perfect demographic to market a horrible idea toward. So of course chil'ren, some genius who definitely gets paid more than me came up with the bright idea to take a smooth, potato based vodka and infuse the shit with bacon.

Main demographic: The Hoff.Get the man a bottle of this shit and a burger!


They even have a drink recipe called "The Elvis" utilizing the flavor of the bacon vodka. It goes excellent with a peanut butter and banana sandwich. You will be found dead on the toilet by the end of the night. Too soon for a dead Elvis joke?It's called "Bakon" and it's in a shady packie near you. http://bakonvodka.com/. You're welcome. Now everyone will look attractive and smell like cooked swine. Wait, swine? Is that what bacon wine is called?

3. Can I wear bacon? - Yes. Just ignore the pack of dogs following your every move unless of course you're Cesar Millan. In that case, jump off a bridge.

I'm no fashion expert. I get up in the morning and say "Do I have to wear pants today or can I just say fuck it and flash my balls around town?". Yes, I am the Calvin Klein of the bachelor world. However folks, the future is now. I bring you bacon fashion.

These kids are manlier than you.

Type "bacon fashion" into google and have your credit cards ready! I have found everything from bacon tuxes that those 3 little white children are modeling (thanks Chels!), bacon shoes, earrings, and the best yet: bacon bras (you know that was a dude's idea). "Damn, my meat looks good on you!". Who has never wanted to take a girl home, rail her Ron Jeremy style, and then serve her own bra to her as breakfast?

Really...? I'm the only one? You guys suck.

4. Can bacon have medical uses? - Umm, sure. Why not.

I am in fact a doctor, just the wrong type of doctor. Me and my crack team of medical professionals have tested multiple medicinal uses for said pork products.

Pictured above: a medical professional.

For one, our studies show that consuming 50 pounds of bacon or more can cause what we call in my prestigious medical community as a "dumb ass idea". The effects of which can be compared to fucking a live grizzly bear: it's going to be awesome for about 5 seconds, but you're sure as hell going to regret it after it kills you. Eating raw bacon is also frowned upon unless the swine was tested for no less than two STD's. speaking of that, bacon has also been shown to prevent testicular cancer in females.

A better idea: cover your festering wounds with these: http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/Bacon-Bandages.html. The only bad thing is they are in fact not real bacon. Will that help the healing process? Who the hell cares? It's bacon.

5. Can I kill people with bacon? - This is getting ridiculous.

Say hello to my little friend!

Seriously, only in this country. I guess that makes it a yes.

After spending a few hours researching this ridiculous crap I have realized that marketing companies are clearly hiring people like me. Any other questions? I'm sure I can answer them, with or without the help of bacon.