Please, take a moment to laugh at the tools. ------>
"So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them." - Genesis 1:27, from some book called "the bible??"
The argument of creationism vs. evolution has been going on for a longer time than Law & Order has been on television and may cause a greater divide in society than, umm, Pepsi vs. Coke? Yeah, let's go with that.
And yet, one show completely blows the religious argument out of the friggin water: Jersey Shore. Yes, you read that correctly. Jersey Shore is proof that God does not exist. If God created man in his image, we've all been praying to a relatively short man with a very orange complexion, a taste for horrible techno music, and the inability to take less than 20 minutes to do his hair. That whole "God did something and he sees things and we should do stuff" argument is for another blog. Right now, I'm talking about the recently popular Guido stereotype.
You see, there is fine line between being "Guido" and being "Italian-American". As I am mixed breed between Italian and a slew of random-ass Eastern European countries, I'm taking the liberty of clearing this right up. You see, not all Italians are walking, talking, greasy traffic cones. Just look at Super Mario, the hardest working Italian man ever. Does your plumber murder turtles, pop hallucinogenic mushrooms, and chase some blonde bitch around in his spare time? Yeah, I didn't think so.
The term "Guido" was normally used to describe overly manly, hairy men from Newark. Basically, Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Legend says, it spiked in popularity in the 1970's, along with ABBA, IROC Camaros, and pet rocks.
Jesus Cristo, the '70's were a terrible decade...
Now, because the judge ordered me to do at least 20 hours of community service for actually sitting through Pootie Tang (twice), I'm going to list some symptoms of Guidoism:
1. Excessive orange skin pigment and/or a spray tan addiction. Was the Fonz orange? I don't think so.
2. Use of the terms or phrases "it's a lifestyle", "hater", "this is my jam", and "bro" in excessive amounts.
3. Excessive amounts of hairstyling time. Seriously, if you're spending more time on your hair than everyone in Poison, I'm going to give you a god damned crew cut.
4. Rapid and spontaneous flexing of the muscles. Sometimes accompanied by loud grunting noises.
5. The use of any and all Ed Hardy apparel and excessive use of a wife beater, mostly worn 2 sizes too small.
6. Gang signs in pictures. You know, the douchebags with the sideways peace sign and the pouty lips? Yeah, that guy.
7. Mass amounts jewelery. Like enough to make Mr. T say "That's just stupid".
8. Listening to ridiculous techno music that only you and your bros think is cool.
9. The sudden and spontaneous urge to fist pump to said techno music. Seriously, why in the hell has this become a stereotype?
10. Participation in date rape and/or starting fights to help your self esteem.
If you or a loved one suffers from 3 or more of these symptoms, contact your local Real World and Jersey Shore recruitment office immediately.
So, just to review, if you look like this: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/951790/
you are doing for us normal Italians what BET did for black folk and what Two Girls, One Cup did for chocolate ice cream.
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